featherheart7

You know when you spent time with someone who really completed your world, but something didn't feel right? Maybe there's a difference there that both of you know of, but there's nothing that can be done about it. Maybe there are too many things left unsaid and you want to tell that person how they made your life so much better than it could have ever been for that moment. The moment of transformation. You feel like they were a someone who the universe charged with guiding you to a destination and when you finally get there, they leave. Love is really interesting because there are so many forms of love. It's one of those rare but common things. It takes a certain condition in order to fall in love and when the magic is gone you feel like your supply is gone but your addiction just begun, very inspiring but sad. So what does all this have to do with me you may ask. I am human, I love, and I live, and I live for people I love. We all go through life I guess with a certain ideal of what love should be and when we expect something we almost never get what we expected. Maybe I expected too much from him. Maybe I expected too much from myself but looking back I don't regret any of the experiences that we've shared with each other because I know it was fate that we shared those moments together and maybe in a difference space or a different time we could find what made us fall in love in the first place, again. Go back to a space or a time where we appreciated everything about each other, the good, and the bad but back then it didn't matter. Is there nothing left for use to do? I don't know. Are we going to become different people or find different versions of each other that could possibly make us happy or are we trying to find different versions that will be some sort of tribute to each other?

your boyfriend takes to another boy at 3 a.m. that is all.

I watched a very interesting speech that Amy Tan gave on Ted.Com about where creativity is hidden, in it she explained the source of hers and how one person comes to realize where their creativity is hidden. It is a very eclectic combination arriving from different sources which gives inspiration and it is as if its not the person who is inspired but it is God who is inspired(Amy didn't say that this is just the interpretation I got from her, just want to make that clear. I feel that this is true, for in my own work it almost feel as if I am not the one who is thinking but the one who is possessed by this thing. A lot of what Amy said to me was inspiring and in so many ways. Watching it was a mid distraction for me from my ill weekend away from home. Though it was very nice to see Bryce, I felt like it started off on a wrong note and was a series of unpredictable events that snow balled into some resentful feelings the are currently residing in my mind. My travels on Greyhound was not quite what I expected and it wasn't even the fact that it was taking a 5 hour bus ride on 1 hour of sleep in a 48 hour period that made it bad it was just that I experience all this while moving away from my home. Very unpleasant, I just wish somebody could understand how I felt with without pitying me because that is the last thing that I want. Right now I really would just like to be home and to reevaluate everything that I have been feeling. I cried on Saturday which was the last thing that I wanted to do. It was just a build up because I had experience quite an immense pain from lack of sleep and starvation but I persevere. It seem as if I am having trouble with effectively communicating with Bryce and this is also a source of my troubles. I just hope that once I get home I can forget about this first uneventful and displeasuring part of my travels other than getting to see Bryce, whom I love dearly. The photo shoot with him this weekend was also cancelled because of the weather today, just one unlucky thing after another. I'd just like to be content with this situation that has played out on me, and soon I will be able to forget about it. I pray that future expeditions will not become as sour as this one. It seemed like no matter what I have tried so far to atone for this infliction it has not seem to move out of my mind, and I wonder if it is because I m away from my home or if it is that I feel I am not comforted by his attempts to make turn my feeling around. No matter what is is I would not to dwell on these feelings any longer I can feel that its hurting the both of us. I'm really sorry Bryce for this weekend and how it has become and wedging a plastic border between us. I just want to be content with it so bad but I don't understand my feelings right now. Not anymore since I have begun to write on

Hopefully I can articulate all my thoughts on the word "Distraction" in this journal. Distraction is something that is really horrible for me because I get so easily sucked into it. At certain times distractions make my obsessive compulsiveness flare up and then I hit an extreme anxiety state and then a burn out period where I delete and erase and cut off all and anything that I feel is a distraction, without explanation other then its a distraction. I am indifferent really to what or who I cut off, other than of course essential things and people that I need in my life who I need to focus on, if I cut them off too it would be paradoxical. My recent "scares" have been alcohol and reintroductions of old friends. Two habits which I really need to kick...(shhhhh)
You see the problem with me is that. I like friends, but I don't like humans. I feel lonely sometimes but I can't stand being around anyone for more then 5 minutes without wanting to strangle them, ofcourse there are those that I love and could have around all day, I feel like king kong sometimes. I get so nervous about distractions, because I know for a fact that I perform my best when I am without them. I'm just really really confused. But now I must say that this is an ordinary cycle for me. I just wish that I would never be distracted again, unless it was really important or something/someone not worth missing out on, and hope it comes true.

I feel absolutely defeated. There has been an internal battle going on, an imaginary fortress of solitude that my lover has entrapped himself with. Oh Bryce you make me feel so helpless and there's nothing that I can do but use big vocabulary to fill the cavity in my heart. What can I do to help you, the more I try the more i feel like my endeavors are in vain. I feel almost insane. I was on the phone with him earlier, but I didn't know what to say, I feel like the more I express my feelings for him the less meaningful they become. I felt a pinch in my heart when I asked him "what would you being doing if you were in my bed right now"? It was hard for him to response at first but then He told me a lot of things that melted my heart. He was extremely "gay conscious" and "cheesy conscious" but overcame them for my sake which I felt was nice. I don't want to talk about this anymore though because it is 7 o'clock and emotions wear me out. I just so much on my mind, so getting it down would be the best option. Sleep is the best option.

I like using the the word gravity to describe the seriousness of something, it sort of tricks people at first and you can feel things from a galactic sense, if that makes sense. I have a feeling that for most of my life people have taken for granted my opinions, either have taken them to be false or too odd to be considered. Often I feel doubted and I have to prove somehow that the opinions that I have formed had come from after consideration of reliable sources. I'm a simple person, I like to remain that way, it is not because I have an inability to be complex. This is what I choose to be, and it is my happiness. I hate the fact that my insight is taken casually even though time after time it proves light. The problem with the world is that people think there is some complex system at work, and the more you think the more enlightened you will become and that people should wrap their minds around everything. Has no one heard of a singularity? I believe strongly in the number 0. If you spend too much time looking at one piece of the puzzle, or some piece do you think you'll ever be able to put it together, no. I don't believe that there is no puzzle at all, its only a diversion. I don't know where I'm going with this entry exactly all I know was that I had to get that down for some reason. And I did.

Hmm This will be a very embarrassing entry I suppose. I'm going to talk about a person who in eyes is someone that I love more than anything other than family and I want him to be apart of me so hopefully one day we can become a family. Love can be so far fetched sometimes sitting here night after night, dreaming about the future, fantasizing about spending the rest of your life with that person that you cherish the most. And I really do cherish him. I've learned a lot from past relationships that being genuine with your partner is the best way to make a relationship last. We have been very honest with each other, since before we were even officially an item. Bryce, I don't know what I did to deserve you. I just love looking at you it thrills me when you get that look in your eyes sometimes looking back at me. I see a light in you that I haven't seen in anyone else, yours shines the brightest and it is because it hasn't been tarnished. We made love the other day. I mean it was actually "love making" and not just someone to get off with or satisfy any unfilled need or desperation. I'm glad he's given this to me, So now I really know who he is. Sometimes I am afraid that our relationship could be damaged by outside forces since I see no reason for it to be damaged by us, ourselves. I don't no if this is a rational fear or an irrational fear. But it seems like this is the cliche, when two people are in love other people always try to tear them apart. And now that I've written this it'll probably come true -_-. I just find it cute how superstitious we are about these kinds of things. I guess you could say I myself have a lot of these kinds of fears because really it is the hearts of people that we should be afraid of.
I'm glad that I'm able to touch you now without you becoming flustered, its a wonderful feeling. Before we were together I felt as though there was no way for me to ever fall in love again and you really have annihilated that thought. There are a millions gay words I could use to describe how I feel about you and I don't think you know it enough. But I think our relationship is so transcendent that it can not be put into any category or classification. I just keep my fingers cross and pray that I can spend forever with you even if someone put a gun to my head I would still protect you. I just hope that since we both study psychology we can learn to extend this feeling so it lasts for ever and ever. I don't want you to ever think about our relationship too hard because really, it is just simple, I love you,and you love me. We deserve to be with each other and I don't care what I have to do to make sure it always stays that way.

Three years ago I started this Journal as a joke, just something I could do for fun, never once did I realize that this could help keep a record of how my life changes right before me. Going through the old entries that I have deleted, brought back a lot of pain and memories that I have forgotten a long time ago. It also brought me to the realization of the kind of person I have become. Out of all my troubles I have grown strong and I've learn what it is like to love, hate, and cherish. I have realized how much I am worth and what kind of people I can and can't let into my life to destroy everything I have worked for. I am a changed man I feel. Going through these struggles I have learned what the world is really like and how I could shape it, and not let it shape me. Ever since I became 18 years old, I decided within my self that I am going to let go of the past and start with a bright new future. I am willing to face what the world may bring to me regardless of the sacrifices I must make even if it means my life. I feel that to cherish life a person must know what brushing death feels like. Everyday it seems people are taking me a little more seriously because I no longer consider everything a joke. I know how much I was blinded and I have taken the blind-folds off. There is a part in me that is apologetic for using my energy to destroy in the past when that energy goes so much further when I am creating. Some people don't understand why I woke up one morning and decided that I did not want to be in their life anymore. It is because I did not belong there in the first place, I was only running away from my father and the pain inside my heart which caused my nostalgia.  I do however want to thank the people that were there for me even though they might have been intoxicated at the time. Well most of everyone I know is intoxicated.

Long story short, I am over the blues. Let the past be what it is, but it is no longer me.